drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*frowns in Scottish*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE