A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
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#Caturday
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside