Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Danger is very dangerous
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
is this a threat
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!