To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
This is a whole mood;
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
thank god the sign was there
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity