Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute