MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
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How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
#Caturday
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*