there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
You Might Also Like
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
My love language is hissing.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*