Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Breaking news:
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.