I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
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What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.