Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Thrilling chase underway
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs