If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
You Might Also Like
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
That’s fair
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete