{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.