As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.