Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?