In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
We have a winner.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.