me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
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Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.