the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?