[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.