When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf