Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
You Might Also Like
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
sry
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks