where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
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Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
my sentiments exactly
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!