Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
How dude HOW?!
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.