SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
called in thicc to work this morning
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave