i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
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“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill