My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
🚲+physics = winner
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I feel seen
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.