“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Wait a minute
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.