You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.