So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
You Might Also Like
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
#StillHurts
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy