Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
mathematically impossible
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home