Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.