The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
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Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
did… did they arrest the mountain lions