cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.