Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
This hospital has everything
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts