Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind