If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
A short story about romance.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster