*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Shower sex be like:
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords