“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.