[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My love language is hissing.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Don’t make me out nice you.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.