I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.