I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.