My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours