PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.