I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“and how does that make you feel?”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol