An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️