howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.