DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
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screw you
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
bout dat hot dog summer
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Worst perfume name ever.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.