Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
the icebreaker
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat