The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.