If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
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Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
let’s discuss
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Breaking news:
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE