My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
got so much cardio in today
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia